He’s my best friend

Nakaupo siya sa likod ng katabi ko… that was the first day of class… I wasn’t that eager to know him… just like any of my crushes… He has this charm that other guys don’t have. He smiles sweetly when he likes something. That is unlikely I thought. How awkward.

‘m satisfied with just him being a member of the class… as simple as that .. when he got a girlfriend… I simply mentioned to my self… how lucky is the girl to be loved by a guy like him. Those times everything was fine.. Until they broke up and we become good friends.

We ride home together. We talk about our lives…our families… our friends. He was kind to me. He would talk to me and share ideas with me. I was worried that I might fall in love. But deep inside, I was happy. I was very happy indeed.

He never really know that. And I wouldn’t dare to say such thing. I think he loves someone else, a friends who is also close to me, more beautiful and more confident; I don’t want to lose the friendship though. I’m okay with this. I’m happy with this. I need nothing more.

However, I hate accepting the fact that I’m in love. I hate thinking about him, posting love quotes on the net, and answering surveys about first love or something… This is the most awkward part: people, who are good friends of mine, revealed their secrets of liking the same guy that I also like. I don’t want to say anything but reject the surprise and the pain. I never thought that I"m such a selfish person…

I’d say to my self that don’t like! What a hypocrite. I even invented stories about an imaginary love affair with a long time boyfriend! How gross! I was gone insane! because, I just hate the fact, that I’m like the others. I thought I have left the humiliating disposition of a highschool crush. Yet, I can still see the picture of my immature self trapped with the door of maturity and emotions. It was not good. I feel so ashame for the lies and the emotions.

Hindi ko na gusto… (Oh come on!)

Mahal ko siya…

There is a person who knows my secret. She told me why don’t you tell him what you feel… you’re so close to each other… you think he will never notice?

Yes! He will never notice it! like a dust blown by the wind. He won’t feel it… I want to believe now that he only befriended me because of my influence to the school administration! I want to believe that he’s not the person I use to know… that he is an arrogant guy who would use me in terms of problems! but deep inside it pains me so much to death.

I was willing to change because of him. I attended mass because I thought he would be the one who can make me go back to religion… make me want to confirmation… because I want to get marry… I want to get marry someday… but I guess…it doesn’t matters now.